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Tuesday Caption Contest - Useless Nomad Roland "Fatty" Cornish Edition

By Tom Winnifrith | Tuesday 20 October 2015

Disclosure: I have no positions in any stocks mentioned, and no plans to initiate any positions within the next 72 hours. I wrote this article myself, and it expresses my own opinions. I am not receiving compensation for it (other than from ShareProphets). I have no business relationship with any company whose stock is mentioned in this article.

By now it is clear after the numerous scandals at New World Oil & Gas (NEW), Gate Ventures (GATE) and so many others that we’ve forgotten, that Roland “fatty” Cornish is officially London’s worst Nomad. His latest triumph is to allow shares in Golden Saint Resources (GSR) to continue to trade even though the company is insolvent and its Richard "Gollum" Gill crowd funded debt death spiral has only raised MINUS £1938.50.  To celebrate this walking disaster story we have another caption contest. Don’t hold back…there is a prize.

The price is the cash value of 1000 Golden Saint shares on Christmas day (adjusted for any consolidation). Okay that is 0p. But it would be an honour to win anyway. Post your captions in the comments section below. Deadline -  midnight Wednesday. 

For what it is worth my caption is: 

The scene is from the corporate dining room at the offices of Beaumont Cornish as Gollum wanders in to relay the latest news on the Golden Saint debacle… 

The fat pig says: I fear that my days in this line are numbered
The main course replies to Roland: I know exactly how you feel

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  1. Two men looking through restaurant window at seated Gentleman . One says to the other . “ is that Fatty Cornish eating his profits” “no I think your mistaken ,its Del Boy Lemongas stocking up his reserves . He is trialing his new Quantanamo Experience holiday next week before paying quests arrive . A week of no food , white noise and water boarding aimed at the weight loss set . Lose 2 stone or get a free second week looking for lithium in the Florida Swamps apparently”


    No sir, I’m afraid we can’t take GSR paper. We’ve still got a bucketload of NEW paper from your last visit.

  3. nigel somerville

    Shareholders of Golden Saint form an orderly queue outside Fatty’s new office to ask him where all the money went

  4. The Cornish Riviera, compliments of the city

  5. As the hapless inadequate “Gollum” opens the dining room door, outside, the howls and chanting from the multitudes of ripped off shareholders of failed companies represented by the worst Nomad in the City can clearly be heard :-

    ‘You fat Bastard’ …… ‘You fat Bastard’ ……. ‘You fat Bastard’

  6. gill walks in, sorry to bother you mr cornish sir i was wondering if i could get a reference for my cv, i’ve always admired you and
    cornish interrupts. if you want me to do something for you boy, you must do something nice for me first, and then il think about it.
    gill gets under the tablecloth. i understand sir

  7. Steffi the TR1 Queen©

    Maître d’: “Ah, good afternoon, sir; and how are we today?”
    Mr Cornish: “Better.”
    Maître d’: “Better?”
    Mr Cornish: “Better get a bucket shop, I’m gonna stuff up.”

    With acknowledgement to Monty Python


    DINER (R’f‘C, for it is he): ‘You see all the BBm’s out there? They admire me, enormously!’
    WAITER: ‘Oh, no, Sir. They’re The Share Prophets waiting to see you EXPLODE!’

  9. Steffi the TR1 Queen©

    HELLO WIDE BOY”. In the restaurant of Freetown’s Mammy Yoko Hotel, the visiting GSR Nomad was greeted with a very personalised version of the traditional welcome “HELLO WHITE BOY”.

    It helps if you’ve been there…..

  10. Man at window “Christ, look at that ghastly porker”
    Cornish “I think you’ll find sir, that’s finest suckling pig”
    Man at window “I think you will find, I was talking to the pig”

  11. MrContrarian

    Waiter: Sir, have you seen the latest incredible Chinese confection?
    Cornish: Oh, I don’t need to see it. Just approve it.

  12. warun boofit

    Er, excuse me mister Corneesh, sir, a meester Terry is at the window, he says is missing one little piggy from his board of directors at knob quark, he is wanting to know ow a man like you can av his lunch and eat it. Tell meester fucking Terry proper gentlemen live to eat and I will eat the lunch of any upstart that thinks 2+2=5, now pees orf and leave me in peace you scrawny little vagabond.

  13. Steffi the TR1 Queen©

    At the Golden Saint Restaurant (GSR) Roly was disappointed to discover, like so many shareholders before him, that despite what it said on the menu Cyril the chef had already taken all the carats for himself.

  14. Steffi the TR1 Queen©

    Despite the GSR crowd funding business case being written in incomprehensible Cyrillic script, Roly was happy to publicly consume the first £800 as luncheon vouchers in lieu of fees knowing that Mr Gill was paying.

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